What I did on my summer vacation

I used to be very happy during my vacations, because usually the main goal each day was to sleep in until 10AM. It always made for short days, but I loved sleeping in. Then I had kids. No more sleeping in.

This vacation was made especially tough because we spent the first week trying to get them back into their routine after VBS. We never really got back on track, especially since one of our main goals was to try and paint a few of the rooms in our house. We started in the boys room, which meant that they were going to move in with us until the work in their room was done. That's not the easiest way to get the boys back in to their routine. Duh!!!

Then came tragedy. On Tuesday morning, Jessica began having problems with her pregnancy. All signs were pointing to miscarriage, but we just had her rest and wait and see. After a few days of anxiety and discomfort, we went to see the doctor. They didn't take her concerns about the baby very seriously, and sent her home with what was probably the wrong diagnosis. On Friday when the problems didn't let up, we took her to the emergency room where our biggest fears were confirmed. Our baby was no longer viable. She had miscarried. We cried.

Family and friends have been a great source of comfort and I think the biggest issue we face now is that as other people find out about what has happened to us, we will have to go through the pain all over again, as we tell folks what has happened and how we've been coping. I think some of the coping mechanisms have yet to be put into action and the worst still may not be over, but I believe our support and our Faith in God is going to help us get through this.

One thing I have learned (more duh) is that if I am going to take 2 weeks off in the future, I need to cover all the bases at church and LEAVE TOWN. I led worship both weeks of my vacation, so I really didn't take time off from the week to week routine, and then add to that the fact that I had long ago committed to a concert and could not get out of it. As it turned out, the miscarriage kept me on the sidelines for that event, but preparing for it took time away from the vacation. I have never taken much time out away from work - a workaholic in denial - so this 2 week vacation was a bold experiment, but one that in hindsight wasn't successful for all of the aforementioned reasons. That being said, being available to Jessica, and to be able to grieve over it was a total God thing.

So what did I acheive here at the house? Well, we repainted the boys room from dull white to bright high gloss white with some cool DODGERS colored trim, so now we can get on with the business of painting characters on their walls. Cool!! Then, just this weekend - with the help of the ever helpful, useful and talented Bill Crawford - we retiled the kitchen after many cuts and misplaced tiles. It looks pretty dog gone good, it I may say so myself. Thanks, Bill and Yvonne!

As for the difficult issues of this past couple of weeks, I find myself wondering a couple of things. Am I cold? Am I unfeeling? I cried with Jess on that first day, and I am definitely sad, and I even put on my myspace and facebook pages that I was (and am) devestated, but I have only teared up a couple of times. Is my faith in God helping me hold it together better than I thought that I would. I read The Shack over the past several weeks and I am preparing a sermon about the 23rd Psalm for this Sunday, so I feel like I am in a place where the questions and hurt that Jessica is feeling seems easier for me to deal with.

I am still asking the questions like, was it a boy or girl? When it goes to heaven, does it go there as a baby, always held by loving angels, does it go to heaven as a child that can play and run and sing with Jesus or does it go to heaven as an adult simply singing praises? I know that sometimes it feels like a cliche to say that God is in control and he has a better plan in place and I place all my faith and trust in him, but that is just it - all of this religion and church and study and prayer and praise are now put into action in a way that help me release the pain to Him.

I feel kinda bad that I don't hurt as much as Jess. But I know that I didn't carry the child, and my preparation as a dad doesn't start until later in the pregnancy, so she has a headstart on the attachment that make saying goodbye so hard. So for now, I will grieve when the grieving comes and try to be the best love and support that I can be for my wife and our kids.

I look forward to healing and to trying to make another baby!

So that's it. I have had two weeks off but I feel no more refreshed or ready for the fall season than before I started. Yikes. Choirs start this week and Christmas will be here before we know it. So, it's back to work, the grind, the routine. I am armed with some new tools and new hobbies (blogging and facebook -ichk!), and a new challenge to keep my priorities where they belong: God-->Jess-->Olin and Sam-->Work-->everything else. The challenge? Trying to persuade my wife that that is truly the order.

Man, am I looking forward to my next vacation!!!